Once I realized that I was basically bat shit crazy, I started researching the side effects of antidepressants online and I came across a group of people in forum form that saved my life. http://www.paxilprogress.org
I have permission from Sarah, a lovely friend from that site, to post a link to one of her threads and what she wrote about her spending habits while on antidepressants. I can so relate to what she has said …when you don’t worry about anything then you don’t worry about where the money is going to come from. Plus when you don’t feel anything, you look for happiness in the form of new nail polish, new furniture, new clothes, expensive trips, fancy restaurants, etc.
The words of Sarah:
I am one payment away from being 100% paxhell free.
I chased the “high” for so long, buying so much sh*t we didn’t need. My children had wardrobes full of jeans, shorts, tops, shirts, shirts etc., that they never even got to wear. I had wardrobes full of jeans, shorts, tops, shoes, jackets, handbags etc., that I never even used. I would hand over my credit card without thinking about how I would pay for what I was buying.
We had a house full of new ornaments, curtains that were changed after only hanging for a few weeks, kitchen equipment: kettles, toasters, sandwich makers that changed on a whim when I decided I now hated red and they all had to be black. Sofas that were discarded when I didn’t like the colour any more!! A car that was no longer the thing.
Basically I almost lost us the roof over our heads. I borrowed money to pay off a credit card then ran that card up again. Borrowed from a different company and repeated the cycle. 5 years ago I knew I had to sort it out once and for all so I borrowed from the bank and paid off EVERYTHING. I am too embarrassed to even go in to the figures, but on June 20th I will make the FINAL payment on the FINAL loan I will ever take out.
I am so excited because in my mind I will then be 100% free from everything paxhell did to me. I am free from the traumas of the drug itself, and have been for years, but this feels like it is truly the last chapter in the paxhell nightmare.
I just cannot believe what paths the paxhell journey took me on and I see it happening time and time again. I am watching my sister doing the exact same thing at the moment but I am powerless to help as she doesn’t see what she is doing. Neither did I at the time so how can I condemn her?
It took me a long time to admit to hubby about this loan as it would mean facing what I had done. I kept it a secret from him until fairly recently, and as you can imagine it did not go down well when I told him. I cannot believe that I am nearly done. It seems to have been a very long time coming and I will be so relieved when that last payment has been made.
I find it so damn frightening that a pill can do so much damage. I had never been someone who spent what she didn’t have before going on paxhell. I paid off my credit cards every month, didn’t owe a penny, then boom, owe money to everyone. I am in no doubt whatsoever that it is something else I owe to the paxhell.
On June 20th I will be having a little cry to purge myself of the huge amount of guilt I have carried for a long time. If hubby wasn’t such a fabulous man god knows where we would all be now.
Paxhell free since May 12th 2003.
Thank you so much Sarah for allowing me to share this with the world. Isn’t it wonderful to be out of the tunnel and out in the sunshine once again? I still have quite a bit of repairing to do (forgiveness, debt, relationships, etc.), but I know that I can do it!