Derek, being the kind and wonderful husband that he is, offered to get me a mouth guard while he was picking up his prescriptions for his sinus infection meds (oh yes – the constant snot running and snorting is quite sexy) yesterday. He called to tell me that a 2 pack was only $25, so I told him “what the heck – let’s give it a shot”.
The instructions to fit the mouth guard should actually go something like this:
1. Boil water to the point that when you put the warm, freshly boiled mouth guard in your mouth, it is so hot that it burns off all of the little hairs on your tongue.
2. Boil the mouth guard for EXACTLY 30 seconds …. NOT 31 seconds you dumb ass! and oh by the way …. we hint that you shouldn’t touch the sides of the pan with the mouth guard, but we don’t come right out and tell you that if you do IT WILL MELT and there will be smoke and a smell that would make sewer rats gag!
3. Take the mouth guard out of the boiling water and place it on a plate to cool for EXACTLY 20 seconds …. then while it is actually still too hot to even touch go right ahead and put it in your mouth …. but refrain from screaming and drooling on yourself during this step because you only have EXACTLY 30 seconds to bite down hard enough on it to make your teeth prints in it.
4. Punch your husband in the nads for laughing at you during this entire procedure. It really does help.
I didn’t have any pain while I had the guard in, but I also couldn’t talk without sounding like Elmer Fudd …. so I just didn’t talk at all with it in … and I just figured out why Derek offered to buy them for me ….. that bastard !