Poor Derek. I suspect that he is like most men in that he really doesn’t know what to do after he asks the question, “Are you okay?” and my answer is “No”. He doesn’t know what to say or what to do and it makes me feel bad for him that he is trying so hard to help me, but he really doesn’t know how. Heck, I don’t even know how.
But I am pretty sure that I know what is causing how I am feeling. About a year ago, I started having really bad stomach and back pains along with the feeling that I couldn’t breathe. It was almost as if somebody had walked up behind me, ambushed me and wrapped duct tape around me so tight that I couldn’t suck air into my lungs. I hadn’t been overly upset about any particular thing, so I doubted that it was the anxiety that I had experienced before. I chalked it up to just being tired and tried to ignore it.
Last December, I started having unbearable jaw and ear pain. After knowing a 26 year old woman who had mouth cancer, my mind starting going to the worst places possible. So I went to an ENT specialist who did a nose scope and scheduled an MRI. Both found nothing (go ahead and make jokes about the nothingness that they found in my brain).
I waited a little while and when the pain refused to leave, I broke down and went to my dentist, who suggested that I get a mouth guard. So now I have a mouth guard, which seems to help sometimes. I also went to the local clinic (no, it isn’t THAT kind of clinic) and got a prescription for Zyrtec and Flonase (thinking that it might be allergy related in some way). The combination seemed to work for a little while.
And then WHAMO! Yesterday I had a horrible headache that literally brought me to tears and running to the bathroom to puke (sorry – not many other ways to say that). My body and minded had reached the breaking point and by the time I got home from work, I could barely see. I locked myself in the bathroom, took two Advil PMs, and sat in a hot bath for over an hour. I needed to check out of the world for a little while and that is what I did. Of course, the kids felt the need to continually harp at me about things through the door …. I ignored them until they went away (if that makes me a bad mother then so be it … they are teenagers not toddlers and I had told them when I got home that I didn’t feel well, so ignored is what they got).
I came to the conclusion last night as I was drifting to sleep that my life has just become too hard to live. No, I am not thinking about doing anything to harm myself or others. I am just thinking that something has got to give here. Something has got to change, because I simply can’t do this any more. I can’t.