I knew eventually I was going to have to write a post like this, yet my heart sank when I realized last night that it had to be done now.
Riley, our 16 year old son, told me on Monday night that he had a girlfriend and that he wanted to go to church with her in a neighboring town on Wednesday night. My kids have the lovely ability to either tell me bad news or drop bombshells of information on me while Derek is at work. This was the first that we had even heard of this girl and now he wanted to go someplace with her. I was in a terrible mood on Monday (see Tuesday’s post about chores) and I told him that we would talk about it when his dad was home.
Last night, Bryce and the girls were gone to the park, so it became the perfect opportunity to discuss the new girlfriend situation. We asked him where she was from (a neighboring town). We asked him how long he had known her (never got a solid answer on this one). We asked him how long they had been “going out” (since the ballgame last Friday night). Everything was going fine. We had decided that they needed to talk to each other a few more weeks before they actually went anywhere together, including church. We also told him because of my situation, we had to talk to the girls parents if she was ever going to be coming over to our house to see him. The conversation was wrapping up, when I asked how old she was. The answer literally made my heart fall into my stomach. She’s 14.
Most parents don’t know what I know about laws and the way things really work in certain situations. However, as part of my lobbying efforts, I am either blessed or very cursed to know that in Oklahoma the age of consent is 16 and anybody dating somebody under the age of 16 can be charged with crimes ranging from molestation of a child to felony sexual assault for having any sort of sexual contact (including kissing and hand holding) with somebody under the age of 16. It’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s ruining lives all over this country, but it’s the way it is right now and the worst thing that I can ever imagine is for my son to have to endure a lifetime label for a teenage relationship.
Some states have adopted “Romeo and Juliet Laws”, but even under these laws, a teenager can still be prosecuted, they just don’t have to be on the Sex Offender Registry.
A story in Marie Claire magazine this past July brought attention to this very important subject.
http://www.marieclaire.com/world-reports/news/teen-sex-offender
Derek and I don’t know what to do. Based on our past experiences with Rachel, we know that forbidding him from seeing this girl will only cause him to want to see her more and probably sneak around to do it. Luckily, she lives about 25 minutes away and they don’t go to the same school. He is so mad that we are even considering not letting him “date” her, that he won’t even talk to us today. I really don’t know what to do. I know how serious these laws are and I know how damaging they can be to a young life. Watching one of my sons endure the hell that I have endured would be my worst nightmare.
We obviously need more information and we probably need to talk to this girl’s parents, so we are taking a few days to think about it before we make any decisions.
What do you think we should do?
aw geez, this parenting thing never does get any easier, does it. if i were in your shoes, i would lay out the facts… my husband is very good at fact-finding and researching, so i’d task him to find several [close by] similar cases of the worst case scenario happening. i’d sit my son down, and talk to him about why he needs to be very careful as to how far he and his girlfriend take their relationship. i would suggest sticking to public meetings and phone conversations for a while if he still insists on seeing her. i would then proceed to tear my hair out with worry that i didn’t tell him enough, or that he won’t make the right decisions. most importantly, i’d try to make it abundantly clear that it’s not ME that has the problem with him dating this girl… it’s the laws, and the kind of trouble he can get into if he doesn’t follow them.
but that’s what i’d tell MY son… in the end, what makes a fact get through to each kid is different. what methods of persuasion have worked on him in the past? can you apply them in this situation? is tearing your hair out until it’s over a viable option?
i wish you the best of luck. :0/
Nobody recently posted..A Few Last Thoughts on Potty Training
It NEVER gets any easier. Just when we think that things are going to calm down for a little while …. BLAMMO !!! another problem to deal with.
Hi Slappy,
I came over from the doco. I’m heartbroken for you that the next huge problem is turning up so quickly, and I understand that you must be really scared. I’m not a parent, but I have been a teenager, and it’s only from that eprspective I can give input. I think, like Nobody said, it’s most important that he understands this is not you and Derek vs. him. Maybe you can collect any article you can get your hands on about this and require him to read it, and simply refuse to get into an argument about it all.
You could also try to use examples fro other ares of life, where governments make rules and people get judged by those rules, even if they are just visitors and it gets handled very differently in their own country. I remember Bluecat mentioning in passing that in Singapore, possession of drugs is punished with death and that the government will execute you – which also goes for foreigners (in the »do you get high?«-thread). That there is no exception even if someone is from another country. Maybe you can find other examples that help him understand that the age of consent is absolute where you life, that there are no exceptions just because he’s such a good boy and because the girl wanted it just as much as him. And that even a kiss would be like having just a morsel of pot in Singapore.
Bleagh. This sucks so bad. I hope you can get through to him. I wonder what her parents say about it.
It’s so awful that we as parents even have to deal with stuff like this. If these laws had been in effect sixty years ago then my grandfather would be a RSO for life, because he was 19 and my grandmother was 15 when they got married.
And that would be »from other areas of life«.
I remember you posting that article. I put it up on my facebook because I believe this is a major problem too.
I have a 12yr old stepson and fear for when he starts dating.
I also have a 14yr old step daughter whose mother is currently pressing chartres on the now 19yr old boy who she had conceptual sex with : [
I am having an internal struggle. This was not teen love, this was older boy manipulation of rebellious teen…but does that make him a lifetime sexual offender? If its your biological little girl, it seems to be so.
You’ve got to protect your son, the laws aren’t going to change fast enough to keep him out of danger. Keep the communication going, help him to keep things (consquences) in perspective.
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I am pretty sure that I kept the magazine, because it was important to my lobbying work, so I am thinking that I need to have both of my sons (and maybe my 14 year old daughters) read the article. It might be time for a really serious family meeting …. not going to be fun at all, but probably needs to be done.
I would definitely talk to her parents. I also agree with what “Nobody” said.
Some of these laws are crazy. There’s only a 2 year age difference between them. While I approve of wanting to protect young people from perverts, there’s hardly anything perverted with a small age difference of that nature. I had a 16 year old boyfriend when I was 18. I wasn’t looking to “corrupt a minor.” I just liked HIM. However, if someone had decided to report it, I could have gotten in trouble for just that. It’s silly.
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It absolutely broke my heart when he said “she would never say that I did anything bad to her”. He just can’t understand that we, as parents, feel the need to protect him from the possibility that the relationship could end badly and that she could say something about him.
Oh wow. I don’t have any suggestions, other than talking to everyone involved as someone suggested on Doco.
Hugs and support to you. Also, I’m never having children.
I agree that we have to be as open and honest with everybody as we possibly can … including the girl’s parents who might not realize how serious this can be.
First I want to give you HUGE props for being such a caring parent. That is a lot more than we can say about a lot of parents. I commend you for taking your son, his girlfriend, and the age of consent seriously.
Personally I think they communication with your son, the girl, and her parents on all the possible legality situations that could come of this. I think if they are mature enough an responsible, they could be able to see each other and not get into any trouble, but I would keep a close eye on them.
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Thank you for the compliment. Derek and I talk all the time about how much easier this parenting thing would be if we just didn’t give a damn, but alas, we care …. so it’s tough.
Maybe if you come at it from the perspective that she is just too young to be dating anyone, period, he will understand that it’s not about him. A fourteen year old should not be dating. Hopefully he can understand that. In a few years if they still want to date the topic could be revisited. Since you weren’t opposed to him seeing her until you learned her age that might give you more credibility in his eyes. I know it’s terribly hard for a teenager to see past their own wants, but maybe he would be able to trust that you’re not trying to be unfair, you are looking out for both of their best interests.
Suzanne, I love you! That is exactly what we should be discussing here. Who lets their 14 year old daughter date anybody? This might turn out to be the perfect opportunity to discuss dating with my own 14 year old daughters too.
I would DEFINITELY talk to the parents, as recommended. And you can set very specific limits on their “dates.” (Always be in a group, regular phone check-ins, etc.) But I wouldn’t allow any of it unless you’ve already had a chat with her parents because you so don’t want to be the parents of the older boy who comes along and seduces their girl (in their eyes) without telling them. Hopefully you guys can find some common ground.
Or, how about you as parents agree that they can do things together as long as they’re at your house or her house? Something like that. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, that depends on your comfort level, your son’s maturity, and the other parents’ involvement. But make sure you talk to your son the whole way.
Good luck, hon.
Jess recently posted..Our City Mouse in the Country
Oh yes, we will so be talking to her parents regardless of what we decide to allow or not allow. Remember when Rachel was sneaking around with “the loser” and his parents knew about it the whole time knowing that we didn’t want her to date him? I REFUSE to be “those people”. Everything will be out in the open … believe me.
I think the only way this can realistically work is if you talk with the parents and agree to let them do things together with both sets of parents. It seems cheesy, but it will keep everyone safe, and it might be a great way to grow closer as a family. The good thing is if both you and her parents agree to this, it doesn’t make you the “bad guys”.
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Tracie, I agree that we absolutely have to talk to the parents. They might not even realize how serious the situation can be or that my son is 16 years old.
It is such a horrible situation and it would be so much easier if we just didn’t care, but we can’t uncare.
I would definitely show the article to my son and documentaries on the subject if I could find them. Would explain that it has nothing to do with his intentions but the fact that people do change their mind and, even if her parents agree to it, placing one’s self in a vulnerable situation is never a good idea.
Yes those laws are completely unreal etc. But (sadly, badly) that’s how USA works.
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