An Odd Sense of Calm

Derek said that he noticed it on Tuesday, right after we closed on the refinance of our mortgage.  It has taken me a few more days to be comfortable in the feeling.  It’s calm.  I don’t usually know calm.  Calm and I are not close friends.  Oh sure … we say “hi” when we see each other in the grocery store and we send those annoying chain e-mails to each other, but we aren’t close … but I think we might be getting there.  Before I know it, Calm might be inviting me to slumber parties and her wedding next year. 

I am still on the edge of tears pretty much all the time and I am in a state of exhaustedness (yes … that’s a word) most days, but I know that those things will get better.

I am trying not to get too terribly excited just yet, but we should be ending up with nearly $2,000 more than we planned on for our refinance.  Which means that instead of the $6,500 we planned on (to pay off 3 credit cards), we are getting back $8,421 (to pay off 4 credit cards and a large chunk of another one).  The refinance also allowed us to skip two mortgage payments and actually have money in the checking account at the end of each week instead of always being in the negative and worrying about which bill to pay.

We have $579.54 in the checking account right now and nothing, other than a few groceries, that needs to be paid this week.  It is such a wonderful and foreign feeling.

Things aren’t great (and sometimes I wonder if they ever will be again), but they are better.

I don’t want to say too much just yet, but this weekend I have to have a conversation with somebody that might just start a chain reaction that could change my life.  It’s not going to be easy, but it has to be done.  I can’t move past here unless I take this step.

As they say, “you can’t drive a parked car”.  So I am going to get myself in gear and stop being the victim.  It’s about damn time.