I thought I had already told him. The look on his face said I hadn’t. I was actually telling someone else, but he was with me so he heard.
“People don’t realize that a pill doesn’t know to only make good changes to a person’s brain. Sometimes it makes bad changes. The only time I’ve ever thought about hurting myself or somebody else was when I was on Paxil. The ONLY time.
For years, every time we went to a mall with more than one level, I thought about what it would be like to push someone over the railing. It wasn’t like I was mad at them. I wouldn’t have even known them. It was just a curiosity. What would happen? What would I feel? What would they feel? Would they die instantly? Would people scream?
Things didn’t seem real to me anyway. There wouldn’t be consequences for me. In my mind, there never were.
It was the same way with traffic. What if I swerved into that lane? What if I ran over that person? Not one ounce of anger. Not one feeling. Just a sick curiosity that isn’t in the makeup of the real me”
They sat with shocked looks on their faces. The man who’s trying to help me and the man who already has.
It’s strange that I feel comfortable talking about it now. Mostly because I want other to be aware that antidepressants (particularly SSRI ones) can completely change a person’s behavior and make them think things the real them never would. It’s also strange, because when I was having the thoughts, I never told anyone. So how many thousands of people … maybe millions … are out there having those same thoughts right now? Not understanding that it’s the drugs and not them going insane. How many will act on them? Not because they are evil or want to harm, but because they don’t feel real or the world doesn’t feel real to them.
It happens every day.