I’ve always been a big person. Nine pounds 12 ounces at birth … and I was the smallest of the four kids. I’ve been six feet tall since the 8th grade. Junior high dances were NOT fun.
I carry myself different than other people, because of my height. I slouch. I did it to make myself look smaller as a kid. I do it now out of habit. The desire to not call attention to myself is pretty deep in my soul. I’m aware of my size, but it still gets pointed out to me on a regular basis.
At my heaviest, the Paxil years, I weighed 233 pounds. I lost around 40 pounds during withdrawal (puking every day probably helped in a disgusting way). I lost another 30 while on Weight Watchers a few years ago and got down to my lowest weight of 160. It was not a good look for me. I tried to gain back 15-20 and ended up gaining back 40. If I could eat it or drink it, I did.
I can feel it. It took me a while to actually care enough to want to do something about it. I think I’m there. I don’t feel good. My energy isn’t what it used to be. I’m not motivated to do stuff like I used to be. I just don’t feel good.
So this week I’m doing my own detox of sorts. Five days without anything super sweet or super salty … and five days of no alcohol …. not even a beer or jar of wine. Pray for D … he is going to need it.
I have to start seeing my body as the only transport vehicle I have for my mind, my personality and my spirit and I haven’t been maintaining that transport vehicle very well at all. It’s the only one I have. No trading it in when I wear it out. I have to start loving it for what it can do and will do. I have to stop abusing it. I have to start appreciating everything about it that works and what it does. I have to see being asked to get things from tall shelves and getting to buy really large shoes as a blessing especially when there are so many others in this world who have bodies that don’t work like they should.
I’m not trying to be skinny again. I just want to feel better in a lot of ways and be healthy enough to do the things I want to for a lot more years.
I should probably start walking in the evenings again too. Ugh … what a way to start May.
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