I’m working with someone now who’s found themselves in a very bad situation. Long conversations and working through what happened resulted in me asking “why did you agree to this?”. The answer was “It was just easier to go along. I didn’t want them to throw a fit.”
… and there it is
The conversation didn’t end there, but I could tell by the look on their face they knew what I was going to say.
How many times have you (my dear readers) gone along with or agreed to do something you didn’t really want to do, in fear that the other person would cause a scene, throw a fit or attack you in some way?
I’ve done it more times that I care to admit. It’s true that it does seem so much easier at the time. You just want to avoid the confrontation so you say “Yes” when every part of your being is really screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO …. GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON !!!”. You smile. You nod. You let them keep talking you into it.
This isn’t an easy one to overcome … especially if you’ve been run over by takers for years. They KNOW they can manipulate and use you so they keep coming back to you over and over and over again.
I was an expert fit thrower when I was bat shit crazy on meds and I knew it. I knew which people I could talk into agreeing with me. I avoided the ones who wouldn’t.
Not many people actually enjoy confrontation (and those who do might need some strong therapy). I don’t particularly enjoy it myself (now), but in order to live my best life sometimes I have to tell people “NO!”, which means that I’m telling myself “YES!”. Yes, I deserve better. Yes, I need time to myself. Yes, I need to pay my own bills before I hand anyone else money. Yes, it’s okay to say “NO!”.
I know as a parent it’s VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY hard not to give in to the screaming toddler in the checkout line who’s begging for the gum. If you’ve promised it as a reward, please keep your word, but if that little shit acted like a rabid monkey on crack the entire time you were trying to navigate three kids through the grocery store then do NOT give in to the begging and fit throwing for that damn gum! Please please please nip that behavior in the bud early on.
The kid who gets the gum after a fit can turn into the teenager who always has an excuse for why they can’t do their homework.
The teenager who gets second chance after second chance after second chance on their homework can turn into the young adult who is always “borrowing” money from their friends knowing they will never pay them back.
The young adult who gets away with not paying anyone can turn into the adult who bullies everyone else into saying they agree with them even if they don’t.
That’s why we, as a society, HAVE to start saying “NO!” to the fit throwers and stop rewarding bad behavior.
It might be easier to go along just to avoid the fight, but in the long run it isn’t the taker, the thrower of fits, that has to deal with the consequences. It’s the givers, the ones who won’t stand up for themselves, who are left with the mess.
As the saying goes, “Givers HAVE to set limits, because takers rarely do”.
What’s your limit? When will it be enough?
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