This year for Valentine’s Day we did the same thing we usually do for Valentine’s Day … not much of anything. We just aren’t really big on presents and D sure isn’t big on surprises, so we made plans just to buy candy the day AFTER when it goes on sale. The night before I texted and told him we didn’t really need the candy and it was up to him if he went to get some.
He made the decision I fully expected him to … he got candy. Sixty bucks worth.
Did we need it? Nope. Did we really want it? Nope.
So why did he get it?
Because we don’t know any different.
As I was eating an apricot cream (that tastes as artificial as it sounds) chocolate, watching mindless television it occurred to me that we still seem to crave chaos. That chaos feels comfortable to us. We’re used to it.
During my bat shit crazy (Paxil, Ambien, and Vodka) days, I craved drama like I was stranded in the desert without water. It was a mental longing to have so many things going on in my life that I didn’t have time to slow down, to get anything done the right way, or even to think.I told other people that I thrived on 'controlled chaos', but that was a lie. I wasn't thriving at all.Click To Tweet
I was ruining my life.
That feeling has now stuck with me for years and even though I want peace and calm in my life, I seem to self sabotage those efforts, because feeling quiet and still is so foreign to me (and us) I have to ruin it for myself.
Buying that candy proved that D has learned that behavior from me. We say we want to be out of debt, but we spend money on things we don’t need (or sometimes even want) like half price candy and going out to eat. Because having financial freedom is a strange feeling to us. We don’t know what to do with it.
I’m constantly working on projects and To Do Lists, feeling like I have to always be busy and even when I schedule in time to relax, I feel like I’m working towards goals. Reading through a stack of books, getting all of my magazines read each month, starting a new series on Hulu …. all just things to check off … accomplishments on my list.
I even have trouble sitting through an entire TV show without getting up to do something else. Yes, I clean and get chores done on commercials, but I even struggle with staying still while the actual show is on.
With my new goal of embracing the feeling of being uncomfortable, I’m working on making feeling calm a comfortable feeling. Which means I have to stop sabotaging myself and change chaos from a place of comfort to someplace I no longer want to be.
Are you addicted to chaos, because it just feels familiar?
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